WANTED: Automotive Technician
Look, here's the deal
We need some dude or dudette to fix some shit. We are a high volume shop located in the Covington Pike area with way too much work.
First, let's get a few things out of the way
If you are a recruiter, piss off. I don't need your fucking help, didn't ask for your fucking help, and will not accept your fucking help. All you will be doing if you respond to this ad is wasting my time and yours.
Now, if you aren't a recruiter and need a paycheck the following applies to you:
Important We have had an insane number of replies to this ad. This ad is not a joke. We ARE looking for a good mechanic that is not brain-dead. If you are genuinely seeking employment and respond to this ad, please leave us some contact info that you check regularly. If you leave an email address, please check that shit. If you leave a phone number, please answer that shit if we call or text. If we can't fucking get in touch with you, how the fuck can we hire you?
Just a warning, if you send some shit like: "Pls hir me ineedajob help lol"
You probably aren't the candidate we're looking for
You must have reliable transportation.
You must be able to work 8am to 5pm Monday through Friday.
Hopefully, you don't live at home with Mommy and Daddy. If they are elderly and you are helping to provide care, that's noble and respected. If you just can't seem to get your shit together and pay bills like a responsible adult, that is something entirely different we're looking for people that handle their business.
You must be able to come to work on time and sober. I shouldn't have to say that you must remain sober all day, but some people just can't seem to grasp that fucking concept. What you do on your own time is none of our business, but when you do it on our time you make it our business.
If you have to call off from work every time there are pollen spores in the air and you get a little sniffle, we don't want to hear it, and you don't need to apply. We have worked with broken bones, pneumonia, and hangovers so bad that you wish you were dead. Just get your ass to fucking work.
You must have your own tools.
You must know what the fuck you're doing. (Note: We're not impressed by a big ass tool box and a bunch of tools having an extraordinarily large tool bill that goes with that big ass tool box in no way means you know what you're doing.)
You must be fast and thorough. If it takes you more than six hours to swap an LS engine in a 4WD Chevy Truck and we have to go behind you to tighten fasteners, replace fasteners that you left off, and fix issues that your laziness or stupidity caused you definitely won't make it here.
We work on everything and do everything: From alternators to engines, from timing belts to transmissions, from windshield wiper blades to rear differential overhauls on Gas, Diesel, Asian, European, Domestic, the occasional lawn mower, etc. If a Lamborghini, Porsche, Mercedes, or Maserati scares you, you might not make it here.
Speaking of fitting in, you absolutely cannot be thin skinned. We are smartasses to the core you might say that it even defines us. We don't care about your feelings. We don't care about your drama. At times, we can be downright cruel. If you're a special little snowflake and can't deal with the slightest adversity that life may throw at you without becoming "triggered"(whatever the fuck that actually means), then you can go eat a dick and don't bother applying.
Speaking of eating dicks, you will probably be told to do that at least once a day.(Note: This request to "Eat a dick" will purely be a response to something you did or said, and in NO way is an actual request. Figurative, not literal.)
Sometimes, you may even be told to eat a bag of dicks, a truckload of dicks, boatload of dicks, etc (Note: The size of the metaphorical container in which the dicks come in that you are asked to eat is directly proportionate to the size of the mistake you made or how bad you pissed us off.) We just thought that might be worth mentioning.
Now, on to the good shit
Certifications would be nice, but are not necessary.
Periodically, some training(at no cost to you) will be required.
Pay will be based on experience.
Pay will be flat rate.
You may qualify for a base salary plus commission if you are one bad motherfucker.
Pay range will be $22.50 per hour to $32.50 per hour depending on just how much shit you can fix without royally fucking something up.
Now, don't let any of this scare you we may be willing to train the right individual. If you can listen, tie your shoes before you leave the house in the morning(on your own, like a big boy/girl), know left from right(without holding up your hands in front of your face to see which hand makes the "L"), and exhibit more intelligence than the average house plant, we just might work with you. One thing is for sure, you're never going to get a "yes" if you never try.
If you're still reading this motherfucking essay of a help-wanted ad, are ready to load up your shit in a truck or on a rollback and make some money, meet all of the criteria, and are not a complete and total douche nozzle, then please reply via email for an in-person interview.