Job title: Savior to Inept Guy
Compensation: $400ish - $600ish per month; $20-$30/hr x 15 - 20 hours per month
Employment type: part-time
THIS IS NOT A TEMPORARY JOB. THIS IS LONG-TERM.
Are you able to freely leave your house because you lack any form of pesky correctional institute ankle bracelet?
Do you have a car that you can drive down the street without a crippling fear of embarrassment or ridicule?
Could you receive an extra $400 - $600 per month without being upset about it?
If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, you may be the perfect fit. There is one more consideration: Are you 5’ 7” tall or shorter? The ceiling in one of the kitchens is low. For real.
I am terrible at getting domestic things done that most people are competent enough to do without the intervention of others. You will find no surplus of such competence in my case, I assure you. The basic weekly tasks look like this:
Pick up mail in Westboro
Sorting the mail and scanning it into my computer
Various errands, but usually not every week
Making sure two cats don’t perish during periods of my absence
Organizing things
But wait, there's more!
Do you like to do things in the kitchen? Things that involve food? Right on! Written recipes are easily provided for the following concoctions:
Blender smoothies
Various soups
Basil pesto
By the way, you may find some of the things I eat to be abhorrent, such as liver, cow tongue, kidney, spleen, and broccoli.
There are dishes to be cleaned. I would appreciate it if this could be done diligently so as to avoid giving me a bacteria-borne illness that leads to my death.
Other tasks might involve lubing up the paper shredder, vacuuming the car from time to time so my lady doesn't vomit on me in disgust, cleaning the fridge, and assorted other undertakings in an ongoing effort to perpetuate the illusion that I am a civilized member of society.
About 75% of the work will likely be cooking and keeping the kitchen clean and the other 25% will be of the miscellaneous sort. If you don’t like kitchen activities, you should not take this job.
Anyway, if all of that works out well, there are always opportunities for capable humans with arms to assist the company I work for in the following ways:
Taking photos and uploading them to a Google Drive folder!
Painting?
Using a checklist on your phone via Google Sheets!
Walking around with a clipboard, looking important!
Getting stuff signed!
Helping move that couch out of the way!
And various functions in the house flipping and/or property management operations
Note: In order to accomplish this property work, one must be able to read the instructions put in the calendar event for you and put the following apps on your phone: Google Drive, Google Sheets, Google Docs, and GeniusScan.
Back to the personal assistant stuff. Where? Two locations, actually: Whitinsville and Franklin. Realistically, both locations should be convenient for you, so you probably want to live in Milford, Mendon, or Blackstone. If that's not the case, feel free to move closer and then check to see if this ad is still posted.
How many hours per week, you ask? 4 - 5 as a consistent base. There is additional optional work up to 14-ish hours in a single week from time to time.
When? Two shifts a week. You pick.
How? Receive pay weekly by check or direct deposit.
If you do not exude an overpowering body odor and you are interested in this rare hiring event, kindly email me the following:
1) Your name, along with any nicknames you prefer to be called, including, if applicable, your rapper stage name
2) Year, make and model of your vehicle
3) How many minutes away you are from 160 Providence Road, Whitinsville, MA & 7 Hawthorne Dr, Franklin, MA
4) Favorite two times of the week to come over and handle the aforementioned
5) Your phone number and your actual email address (not the Craigslist relay) so I can contact you
If you would like to call me names or to complain, please call directly: (785) 273-0325
Thank you very much.
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